What is it like when you don’t know? You don’t know where you are going, when you are going, or in fact if you are going at all. But there is a mix of feelings in your inside that tells you: Hey, I do want to go! I want to go away, live, have adventures, have good and bad times, prove myself and experience other places, other cultures and other types of life. And it is then, that you know you will be going away, you just need to take the decision.
The problem comes when a small number of decisions, like destination, length, starting date… All those details that need to be planned and that seem like big enormous decisions to be taken. Like if your life was going to depend on them or something!
So, even though you do know you want to go, even your inside is bursting and wants to shout it and tell everybody… Even if you have your bucket list with all the places you want to visit and all the things you want to try and do…You just can’t say a word, you haven’t made a firm decision yet and in my inside there is like a million things to do, plan and prepare before even say you are going to start. Especially because of those doubts that assault me now and then.
I reckon I have had an internal fight with myself once a month at the very least, when I have changed my mind a couple of times (maybe more…). I have argued with myself all the opportunities that I am going to miss. Theoretical opportunities in a future where all I can aspire to is a job I like, or a better job, or maybe more money…. Do I want that?? Maybe. Am I dying to achieve that? In certain ways, yes. Who doesn’t dream of achieving the job they want? But if you know myself as well as I think I do, this is a short-term goal and won’t be enough after a while. CONCLUSION: I can do that at a later stage. Things as they are now are not ok, are not enough and I need a change.
And I am taking the next step. Big huge step for me. I picked my destination. I have a slight idea of the dates I should go according to weather, seasons and things I want to do. And I am looking at plane tickets already. Because I made up my mind!
Everything had started way back before without me noticing it. I know it. It’s a seed that grew very slowly inside me. It’s not a decision that I only took last night, there has been a lot of deliberation. But, like most of the best decisions in my life, it was taken in company of a ‘f**k it, I am doing this!!!’
There is no way back. I don’t want to have a way back!! I want this feeling of excitement, fear, anxiety and uncertainty about the future. And I will enjoy it at the same time it consumes my inside, waiting for the next adventure to arrive.
Everything started to take shape in my head. Eventually it will start taking shape in all aspects. In the meantime, and before starting to start, there a million things in my head that I need to do. And because I am how I am, I get stressed about the most insignificant detail. The engineering mind that there is behind me says: break things in small tasks, do a list (I love lists) and take things one by one. Trying to do everything at the same time is pointless, beside super stressful. So here we go with a mini list of things I need to do:
- Buy the flight to my main destination. First and only thing I need to focus on, for now. I’ll take from there the rest of planification.
- Research on airline, baggage allowance, arrival time and similar.
- Adjust times and figure out how long I want to stay at home before leaving, so I can get a flight Dublin-home.
- Adjust times from the time I have to leave Dublin and allow me a week to close all things I’ll have to close here: look for replacement for my room, get my deposit back, revenue stuff, send boxes with the thousands of things I have accumulated here during 4 years, close bills and utilities, try to sell all the stuff I don’t want/need, application of taxes back… The list probably goes on and on. The more I write, the more I think I am not prepared for this part… I’ll get through, though. I’m not the first person doing this and won’t be the last one!
- So, once I know when I am leaving Dublin, I need to calculate a month back and leave my job. I have a month notice, so I’ll have to resign soon. This is the crazy part and I can’t wait for doing this. I have no idea how I am going to do it, what I am going to say….so what?! I’ll improvise! And although for many this would be a hard step, I don’t think it is for me. Yes, I have a good job, not badly paid and blablabla…. But this is the freedom I can’t wait for! But what I am saying, from what I know I might be crying like a baby this day and say goodbye with a heavy heart.
- Next I need to do is start stacking with things I will be needing. This is a light small laptop, comfy fashionable sandals, a day backpack (I do have the big one), update my CV (anything can happen!), a raincoat, a light bed cover, an inflatable travel pillow, a nice pair of runners/boots that can cover all my needs…. This list could be endless and it might be too soon, but it’s good if I start now with the expensive stuff and try to get good deals or get them in sales, to save me a few bobs. That’s the plan.
- And then, paperwork, lots of papers!!! Visa applications, visa information of countries I might swing by, transfer of residence from Dublin to Madrid, bank and phone stuff, debit cards stuff, documents I will be needing on the road, plus copies, plus scanned documents. Insurance, of course. Injections I need to get (God, if I hate them!!!!!). Compilation of data I need to keep recorded just in case something happens, such as phone numbers or contact details of the bank.
Should I include on my list to go home and actually enjoy myself while home? I looks like I will be busy (and stressed) but definitely I do want to enjoy that. Family and friends I haven’t seen in a long time and won’t be seeing for a while. Definitely on my list!!