The end is getting closer. Not that I want to but I can feel it. I can’t help to keep looking for Wi-Fi everywhere in a desperated attempt to keep in touch with those I miss. With those that bring me some familiarity with something. Also, some stuff is going on inside. But I started feeling I am missing way too many things. And that I don’t want to be as far as this and feel as left behind as I do.
I know that I always get the homesick feeling after saying goodbye to people I truly connected with: the break up syndrom. But this time feels, somehow, a bit different. Not that I have lost my fear to settle down. None of that, it still scares me. But I started missing a lot of stuff that I didn’t care about before. I started feeling uncomfortable by things that I didn’t mind previously. And I have lost interest in many things that kept me moving before.
Neither I have decided what to do with myself. There has been two questions I have been hearing continuously. The first one is: when are you back? The second one is: so are you going to stay in Spain or go back to Dublin? As there were only those two possibilities! Hilarious.
None of the big questions are answered yet. But none of the small ones are, either. And it doesn’t bother me now. What confuses me is the fact that I don’t know what I want. Me, always extremely decided on everything and driven by my thoughts. Me, obstinated in accomplishing everything that crosses my mind, eternally pursuing goals. I find very lost without one. But after more than 8 months on the road I think I got used to feel lost.
When I decided to start my journey, contrarily to what everyone could think, it was never about finding myself. Actually, now that I think about it, I was never lost before. So I didn’t need to find myself. Maybe it was about getting lost. So now that I am so lost, can I come back and find a new purpose? Maybe come back to find myself.
Where everyone goes away to find themselves, I go to get lost and now I need to find myself. Sounds about right. Sounds just like me.