And the smile grows bigger

 

That’s what I have been told at work. “Your smile goes bigger every day”. Well, I can see why! I will be finishing work in a week. Exactly a week. Flights booked. Back to my beloved Madrid and a month after off to India. Adventures are only starting now! And that makes me smile. I am making dreams come true.

 

Fears that might have been there, don’t exist anymore. I am sure they will be back when the time gets closer, but for now I have enough emotions to handle. I mean, I feel excited, happy, impatient, sad, disappointed (I might not get my Working Holiday visa to Australia, bloody bureaucracy!! Maybe I should call it bureauCRAZY), emotive and already nostalgic. Although I can affirm that happiness is in between all those, and probably the most frequent, the only thought of leaving the city where I have lived for over 4 years now…the city where I have grown professionally, but also personally, big time! Not only the comfort I have known for a few years is what I am forsaken now, but I am leaving friends behind that I don’t know if I will meet again. Marvellous  and incredible people that make my life so much better and that most likely won’t be here should I decide to come back in…let’s say a year or two.

 

Overall, the feelings are great  just when I only think this is happening, this is the adventure of my life and it’s just getting better. But tears have already been shed when saying goodbye to a friend that I barely see due to different circumstances but it’s been a pillar when I was in need of support. I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be from now on with the rest of my friends.

 

I guess there is always more than happiness behind every smile and not everything could be perfect, could it???? 😀 I am in countdown mode!!!!!

One of those important days

Today is one of those key days of many to come. First of July. The day the government opens the applications for paperwork to get the visa. The day everything can start.

I spent last night applying for that thing without having a clue what I was doing. Insecurities are out now: Did I do it correctly? Did I introduce everything I was asked? Did they receive everything? Did it get through, or maybe too many applications before mine?

I am waiting for a confirmation, biting my fingers (I have no nails left). I am also waiting to get results for my English exam, which was another requirement for the visa. Oh, and results for my postgrad are due today or on Monday. I am freaking out, waiting for so many things. Because I can be many things, but definitely I am not known for being a patient person.

However, waiting is all that can be done. In the meantime, I mean to keep looking at flights. That’s the next step, get flights to get away! And counting days and say goodbye to my job, to my house, to my friends here and there, and say hello to my family to, thereafter, say goodbye.

All that goes with the butterflies in my stomach. I can’t stop thinking of adventures, and new places, and things I will do and people I will meet… And the feeling is pure happiness. Expectations about not knowing what to expect. Expecting the unknown and the new and the scary and frightening. At the same time I don’t want this feeling to be over, I can’t wait anymore.

Before even starting

What is it like when you don’t know? You don’t know where you are going, when you are going, or in fact if you are going at all. But there is a mix of feelings in your inside that tells you: Hey, I do want to go! I want to go away, live, have adventures, have good and bad times, prove myself and experience other places, other cultures and other types of life. And it is then, that you know you will be going away, you just need to take the decision.

***

The problem comes when a small number of decisions, like destination, length, starting date… All those details that need to be planned and that seem like big enormous decisions to be taken. Like if your life was going to depend on them or something!

So, even though you do know you want to go, even your inside is bursting and wants to shout it and tell everybody… Even if you have your bucket list with all the places you want to visit and all the things you want to try and do…You just can’t say a word, you haven’t made a firm decision yet and in my inside there is like a million things to do, plan and prepare before even say you are going to start. Especially because of those doubts that assault me now and then. 

I reckon I have had an internal fight with myself once a month at the very least, when I have changed my mind a couple of times (maybe more…). I have argued with myself all the opportunities that I am going to miss. Theoretical opportunities in a future where all I can aspire to is a job I like, or a better job, or maybe more money…. Do I want that?? Maybe. Am I dying to achieve that? In certain ways, yes. Who doesn’t dream of achieving the job they want? But if you know myself as well as I think I do, this is a short-term goal and won’t be enough after a while. CONCLUSION: I can do that at a later stage. Things as they are now are not ok, are not enough and I need a change.

And I am taking the next step. Big huge step for me. I picked my destination. I have a slight idea of the dates I should go according to weather, seasons and things I want to do. And I am looking at plane tickets already. Because I made up my mind!

Everything had started way back before without me noticing it. I know it. It’s a seed that grew very slowly inside me. It’s not a decision that I only took last night, there has been a lot of deliberation. But, like most of the best decisions in my life, it was taken in company of a ‘f**k it, I am doing this!!!’

There is no way back. I don’t want to have a way back!! I want this feeling of excitement, fear, anxiety and uncertainty about the future. And I will enjoy it at the same time it consumes my inside, waiting for the next adventure to arrive.

Everything started to take shape in my head. Eventually it will start taking shape in all aspects. In the meantime, and before starting to start, there a million things in my head that I need to do. And because I am how I am, I get stressed about the most insignificant detail. The engineering mind that there is behind me says: break things in small tasks, do a list (I love lists) and take things one by one. Trying to do everything at the same time is pointless, beside super stressful. So here we go with a mini list of things I need to do:

  •  Buy the flight to my main destination. First and only thing I need to focus on, for now. I’ll take from there the rest of planification.
  • Research on airline, baggage allowance, arrival time and similar.
  • Adjust times and figure out how long I want to stay at home before leaving, so I can get a flight Dublin-home.
  • Adjust times from the time I have to leave Dublin and allow me a week to close all things I’ll have to close here: look for replacement for my room, get my deposit back, revenue stuff, send boxes with the thousands of things I have accumulated here during 4 years, close bills and utilities, try to sell all the stuff I don’t want/need, application of taxes back… The list probably goes on and on. The more I write, the more I think I am not prepared for this part… I’ll get through, though. I’m not the first person doing this and won’t be the last one!
  • So, once I know when I am leaving Dublin, I need to calculate a month back and leave my job. I have a month notice, so I’ll have to resign soon. This is the crazy part and I can’t wait for doing this. I have no idea how I am going to do it, what I am going to say….so what?! I’ll improvise! And although for many this would be a hard step, I don’t think it is for me. Yes, I have a good job, not badly paid and blablabla…. But this is the freedom I can’t wait for! But what I am saying, from what I know I might be crying like a baby this day and say goodbye with a heavy heart.
  • Next I need to do is start stacking with things I will be needing. This is a light small laptop, comfy fashionable sandals, a day backpack (I do have the big one), update my CV (anything can happen!), a raincoat, a light bed cover, an inflatable travel pillow, a nice pair of runners/boots that can cover all my needs…. This list could be endless and it might be too soon, but it’s good if I start now with the expensive stuff and try to get good deals or get them in sales, to save me a few bobs. That’s the plan.
  • And then, paperwork, lots of papers!!! Visa applications, visa information of countries I might swing by, transfer of residence from Dublin to Madrid, bank and phone stuff, debit cards stuff, documents I will be needing on the road, plus copies, plus scanned documents. Insurance, of course. Injections I need to get (God, if I hate them!!!!!). Compilation of data I need to keep recorded just in case something happens, such as phone numbers or contact details of the bank.

Should I include on my list to go home and actually enjoy myself while home? I looks like I will be busy (and stressed) but definitely I do want to enjoy that. Family and friends I haven’t seen in a long time and won’t be seeing for a while. Definitely on my list!!