I still remember how at the beginning of my trip everything was overwhelming and being with my travelling buddy was the best thing that could happen to me. Very few weeks after, we separated and I found my own way. It was all about being alone and chatting to people all day at the same time. About getting to the street and letting the day take you by surprise. The streets were all the museums that I needed and there was always a stranger to have a chai with. Then, India introduced me very good friends that still remind close to me although in the distance.

I learnt to travel with friends and learnt to say goodbye to them as well. India gave me the most glorious moments, the funny ones, the surprising ones and many lessons as well. So many friends came and went away and some even came back again. I learnt how a person can be your best friend in just one day. And how an stranger can truly take care of you. But my trip was still mostly about me.
Then I moved on and saw different vibes in SE Asia. Youngsters and not so young people having fun in different ways, exploring different cultures and moving. The hostels were the main social meeting point and everyone was ready to make new friends everyday. I met marvellous people, I had some people that marked my way and made me be a better person and also others that were gone the same way that they appeared. I also learnt to let go people despite feelings and emotions.
Couchsurfing started here for me as well and it was some milestone, giving me the best experience ever, culminating in a wedding. My journey kept going and after those awesome experiences I needed more butterflies in my stomach and strong emotions.
So I decided to move out and change continents and I discovered new ways of travelling, different people with different interests that made me forget all I was looking for and helped me to focus in what I was living. I stopped looking for repeating the strong emotions in the past and I came back to SE Asia with new ideas and no plans. And I fixed a plan and my plan went completely ruined by things out of my control. And like that, I just kept moving because it is the only thing I know now and that brought me the chance to meet some more people that I might have not considered very important by then but has become important somehow and has occupied great part of the story, maybe with them not being aware of it. But I kept moving, centred on myself and unbalanced by a powerful lightening striking constantly and more powerful every time.
I changed my plans and went further West to mingle in different cultures where I found difficulties in mingling and interacting. Nevertheless, the experiences were always superb when mingling with the locals, no matter how difficult.
My journey took me to lands more restrictive where it was impossible to enjoy myself as much as I wished but pushed me into lands that were closer to home and brighten up by the striking thunderbolt that crossed my path.
And that’s how I am coming back to Europe. Land of home but still not home. And in company of some thunder going on.

About getting lost and finding yourself

The end is getting closer. Not that I want to but I can feel it. I can’t help to keep looking for Wi-Fi everywhere in a desperated attempt to keep in touch with those I miss. With those that bring me some familiarity with something. Also, some stuff is going on inside. But I started feeling I am missing way too many things. And that I don’t want to be as far as this and feel as left behind as I do.

I know that I always get the homesick feeling after saying goodbye to people I truly connected with: the break up syndrom. But this time feels, somehow, a bit different. Not that I have lost my fear to settle down. None of that, it still scares me. But I started missing a lot of stuff that I didn’t care about before. I started feeling uncomfortable by things that I didn’t mind previously. And I have lost interest in many things that kept me moving before.
Neither I have decided what to do with myself. There has been two questions I have been hearing continuously. The first one is: when are you back? The second one is: so are you going to stay in Spain or go back to Dublin? As there were only those two possibilities! Hilarious.
None of the big questions are answered yet. But none of the small ones are, either. And it doesn’t bother me now. What confuses me is the fact that I don’t know what I want. Me, always extremely decided on everything and driven by my thoughts. Me, obstinated in accomplishing everything that crosses my mind, eternally pursuing goals. I find very lost without one. But after more than 8 months on the road I think I got used to feel lost.
When I decided to start my journey, contrarily to what everyone  could think, it was never about finding myself. Actually, now that I think about it, I was never lost before. So I didn’t need to find myself. Maybe it was about getting lost. So now that I am so lost, can I come back and find a new purpose? Maybe come back to find myself.
Where everyone goes away to find themselves, I go to get lost and now I need to find myself. Sounds about right. Sounds just like me.

New philosophies

Lately I have been reading and learning a lot about letting go. About how attachments imply suffering. Living in the past or thinking too much about the future, both generate worryings on us and bring us unhappiness. So we must avoid all tha in order to reach happiness, or so we are told.

In an attempt to take the Buddhist philosophy to its maximum and mix it with our current carpe diem philosophy, where we look only for pleasure and wellness by living in the very present and not caring about any other thing, we have developed a tendency to avoid feelings in order to avoid getting hurt. It seems like giving too much, getting too involved or in general feeling too much when we are not sure about what is going to bring us and what is going to be result is certainly an unnecessary risk to suffer when the link is removed. Or maybe is our nature just creating expectations and expecting something in return for the feelings invested, for the effort, for the actions. Although we know we shouldn’t expect and we shouldn’t create an attachment, the truth is that we do.

The human being is emotional. I have no doubts about it. We feel and, most of the times, we hide those feelings to pretend strength. They are considered a weakness, they reveal too much. Other times, we pretend we don’t have them or we don’t care. Most of the times, we are scared of them. They constitute a part of us that yes, it is looking for the instant pleasure, the part where we get a good feeling from it. But also they get us too involved in something that will be our weakness, will make us feel too much and bring us uncertainty about what we are getting on in return, how things will end and of course, the suffering it will bring once this stimule is removed. We also remember past experiences that generally didn’t end up well for us and left us hurt and therefore, we reject and fight our own feelings in order to avoid the situation happening again.
This is the world we live in. Too scared to love free and openly. Too afraid of not getting anything in return or having our feelings hurt. Too many expectations are in place and we suffer when they are not met. So we avoid to give freely, to love freely. Is it worth it?
Instead of embracing our feelings we push them away, limiting ourselves because of the possibility of getting hurt. We give more importance to a possibility in the future than the actual present in the attempt to maximise the instant pleasure search. That  keeps us from the rewards we could get and the marvellous feeling that love is, sentencing us to the miserable and ordinary because we were too scared.
Why don’t we just truly forget about the past and the future, live here and now? Give love, smile, feel the butterflies in your stomach…whatever it is, embrace it, feel it and take it. Because no matter how much pain it will cause in a future, it is always be worth it to feel intensely, to live intensely, to not be scared anymore.

Dreams and hopes

It scares me how easily everything can be ruined. How one single event can finish a dream. I realised I kind of live waiting for that thing to happen. Inevitably, it will. I don’t fool myself.

Now, it is up to me how to take the events. The end of a dream doesn’t necessarily mean the start of a nightmare. It can be just an unsettling wake up until you get back to sleep to catch your best dreams. Or so you are hoping while you get back to sleep.